pain

I'm hurt.... I'm feeling hurt.... I've been hurt for a long time..... I'm so hurt

My HEART aches so badly....

It's been almost 9 months already that we've been together.... Ever since, I couldn't go on even pass ONE week without crying to myself quietly...! Why do I feel so unhappy? Isn't love supposed to be all about support, feeling fullfied, and HAPPINESS??

I can't take it anymore, but yet i'm still keep walking on this road full of thorns. I know...yes I know. It must come to an end one day. I just couldn't make it TODAY!

I can no longer holds the pressure, the stress, and the unhappiness within my two hands. It's continues to leak more than I can bare.

Why does he care about himself so much and ignore my needs and wants? Hunny.... am I asking and wanting too much again?

You are never wrong! It's always me and everytime you say the word "sorry" is only because you want to get it over and done with.

I want to be with a person who appreciates who I am, understands me, and passionates about me. Obviously, you are non of those.

God.... Please give me courage and strength to move on and go through this pain. It's so painful. I'm sick of myself, my thoughts, and my tears.

I'm feeling so unhappy - - - - and i wanna get out of it! May be the word "lonely" would be better. I've tried the best I could.........

It's just the fact that two people have been raised and seen too many different things; therefore, grown up to want different outcomes from relationships.

What I would like he cannot give me... and of course what he wants, are impossible for me to give him as well.

I'm so hurt.

I'm no longer ME

I want to go back to the REAL ME

I wanna be happy again.

God please help.

what should I do? I want this to end....

But i don't know what i'm scared of.....

God please god

เซ็ง

เกือบปีแล้วที่ไม่ได้เขียนบล็อก วันนี้ขอระบายซะหน่อย เซ็งสาด ช่วงนี้เจอแต่คนแบบนี้

• ผู้ชายเรียกร้องความสนใจ ไม่ได้เป็นอะไรกัน ไม่เคยให้ความหวัง มึงอย่าคิดเอาเอง
• ผู้ชายเจ้าชู้ มีแฟนแล้ว ช่วยอย่าหน้าม้อให้มันมากนัก อย่าให้ระยะทางมาพิสูจน์ความม้อของมึงเลย เป็นแบบนี้คงอดทนอยู่ได้ไม่นาน น่าเบื่อ
• คนเฟค พูดอย่างนึง ทำอีกอย่างนึง
• คนที่รู้ว่าไม่ถูกกัน แต่มึงตามติดเรื่องราวชีวิตกูทุกอาทิตย์ทำไมวะ
• คนรู้มาก เสือกได้ทุกเรื่องไม่พอ ยังจะเอาไปพูดมาก
• คนเสือก ชอบคนของ
• คนขี้นินทา นินทาทุกเรื่อง พูดอย่างกับว่ามึงดีกว่าคนอื่นนักงั้นแหล่ะ สาดดดด

กลับออสดีกว่าว่ะ เจอแต่คนแบบนี้บั่นทอนจิตใจชิบเป๋ง

My friend

It's so strange how only a short period of time can change a person's lifetime and make him/her walk into a completely different path like they had never imagined.

My friend, you came for only 12 days but we spent almost 24 hours together each day. You and your careful thoughts, your intelligence, your charm, and your ability to amaze me just threw me away...... further than i had ever been. Even though I know you had no interest in me and what you had done for me was more of your brain than your heart, somehow I appreciate it.... Thank you ...Really.....

You've left me to continue on with your life, and you've chosen to NOT continue on with what we had. Even though you didn't say, I could feel it.

Until now, i still don't understand myself to why I fell for you so much. I never did before. May be a tiny bit of hoping and flirting but never to liked. And the fact that you were so independent you didn't need any caring from me, it was hurtful but i'll move on..... soon I hope. I feel like my heart has been broken..... yet you didn't break my heart. In fact, you didn't do anything. So, is it just me that keep wishing and hoping that we would have had something more? Even though I know the deepest in my heart, it'll never be. Even if we continued on, it'll never work out. We're too far apart.... far in distance, far in thoughts, and far in feelings. I had always knew, if i chose to get a little closer to you , there'd be conseqences. I just never thought there would be this many.

I'm missing you every second, yet knowing in the bottom of my heart we'll never be together and that i'm the only one thinking about us. This has also changed the view I see my current relationship completely. May be who i thought was the one isn't really the ONE. May be I need someone with intelligence, great looks, maturity, attractions, and gentleness.

My dear, being with you had taught me lots and lots of things. Also, it makes me more confused than ever.... as if i'm going crazy ALONE.. and no one is feeling it with me.

You've taught me not to be so lazy. I should get out of my vicious circle of staying at home and do absolutely nothing. I should follow my dream.. if i like something, i should try and practice it so that i'll get good at it. Just like you with your cooking, music, story writing, etc. I should find something to do that will make my life worthwhile like working, painting, singing. I don't have to watch TV or go on the internet all the time. They just wastes of time. I can do heaps of things in one day. I should really get out there and make my life worth living. Maybe i'll like myself more.

And may be we don't have to talk all the time. You have taught me to think before i speak. Everything you said was as if you have thought of it carefully. And the fact that you were so calm, unlike me who jumps so easily. I love the fact that you have won everyone's heart, especially my mom's. She even said, "he was an great guy." I aggree with mom. I love the way you touched me. It was that touch I have been looking for for years. It was so gentle, yet i wish you had put your heart in it too.

You taught me to stop acting like a baby. I should be old enough to do things and make decisions on my own. I have to stop playing cute and start acting and thinking like an adult.

My friend, I know you don't feel the same way I feel about you.... and we'll probably never meet again. Maybe my memory of you may fade through time. But that's okay. You will probably never get to read this ever. I'll just keep this to myself. You'll always be in my heart and there is no way that i will have forget you, a person who shared a part of me for 12 days but changed who i am forever.

Without YOU

Today I feel as if i'm all alone in this world.

There's ME and Strangers....

My boy has been too busy with his study and the upcoming examinations. I know I should be the one supporting and understanding him. But, I just can't help being upset about the fact that he has become further and further away from me.

I guess, all I can really do now is wait....... it's only one week.

I can cope with JUST ONE WEEK, but I just hope this won't happen too often. Otherwise, I'll die in lonliness.

Hmmm.... where should I start?!?!?

Well, it's the holidays and all I have done so far is

1. Sleep
2. Eat
3. Go on the Internet
4. Shopping
5. Watch TV/DVD
6. and EAT EAT

So that's right, I am now a FAT ASS!!! hahaha...

Oh!! plus... 7. bubbling on how i'm doing nothing!!!

MEAH!! As long as i'm happy, I guess it's all that matters!

Oh! One more thing! I've been looking after myself more. It could be the fact that I'm so FREE, it's making me hallucinated and i'm trying to find ways to improve my looks!! So yes, I had my hair cut and dyed, I blenched my eyebrows twice, I spent 1020 baht on make-up at once, and I have already spent sooooooooooo much money on new clothes!! Now i'm thinking of getting an eye surgery!!!! Am I crazy???? But then, every woman wants to look pretty, right?

I now came up with my own quote, "BEAUTY comes with very very great (enormous) COSTS."

Anyhow, I know it works though because I can feel the eye contact!!! (Oh!! shhhhh!!! you people, I wasn't born fine looking as some of you are so let me be happy, wouldn't you?!?!)

Moving on.. Today i read my old mag and saw this website www.meez.com (damn!! i should've got paid for this) and i made this 3D chic...it's supposed to look like me. Hahaha

- - JULY - - FREE AS A FLYING PIG!!

FREE!!!

I have absolutely nothing to do now that the activity room has finished. So basicly I just plan my days out and go out and that is it. It is fun, but sometimes i'm just worried that the tiny little bit of brain I have in my head will become even tinier. hahaha.

Hmmm>>>> what else? oh I've had my hair dyed and cut! The colour is seriously so so red that I get so much attention I've never ever had before. And people actually stare at me.... I think I quite like it. I've always been the one who stare at others, now it's time for others to stare at me!!! (But i'm not sure whether it is a good stare or not hehe). Some people at the faculty said they didn't quite like it as it gives me a totally different look. But for me! I love it ^^

Oh well! I guess i'll just have to be confident and move on. As long as i'm sure I like it and I'm not hurting anyone, I won't care what others think!!! YEAH!!

My love status???? what should I say?!?! It's okay I guess but there are still times I wish we could be less stupid about things and fight less. Sometimes I just need someone who can be beside me physically..... I'm not getting that at the moment. (*sigh*)

My Friends?? Quite good. I'm trying to care more and more about them, and think about how they would feel at situations.

Happy Birthday To "ME"

It's my birthday today, so what? There is nothing real exciting about it. My friends never really give a damn about me so it keeps me wonder whether this is the right group with the right people for me. All they really care is just drinking, smoking, and boyfriends. It's just a world I cannot reach.

Am I really a nobody?

It's my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!!!

W-A-S-T-E

Today is just anther day. I'm wasting my time, throwing it all away, doing absolutely nothing. Am I lazy or just not active? May be I am both.

I just really hate having to stay at home all day and not knowing what is there outside the house. I just wanna get out!!! But if I do go out.......to where???

I guess there're lots of things out there for me to do. I just have to go and get it. And definately start something AWAY from BED!!!

It's funny how people are so positive about themselves, isn't it? I mean, I am sometimes a million miles positive about myself. Like how many friends I have compared to some people, though I have no real friends.

Yet sometimes, people can be just so negative about themselves. Again, this I am. Now I am!

May be I need to find a balance, and may be my life will become happier. Even if just a tiny bit, but as long as it is better..... I still want it.

Anyway, what I am sure for now is that I need to stop procastinating and start doing what I have planned to do. Or otherwise, this holiday will be just another WASTE!!!!

Good Dream

เพลงฝันดี

ขอแค่ดูแล หากแม้ว่าเธอยังคงฝันอยู่ อยากให้เธอได้รู้ จะไม่มีใครมาทำร้ายเธอ ตื่นจากฝัน เธอนั้นจะยังคงมีฉันอยู่ ยังเฝ้ามองดู ว่าเธอคงหลับฝันดี

Yesterday was the last day of Nitade inter activity room. I'll miss it a lot. I'll miss the laughter, the stress, the tears, the gossip, and the fun we 11 staff members had shared together. Thank you everyone. You all have taught me lots and lots of things, especially love.

Also, now i totally understand what it feels like to be a senior. After being a baby freshmen for the whole year and have all the seniors looking out for me, now it is time to return those feelings and willingness to this year's nitade babies. Yesterday I understood. I am no longer the baby. Our year is no longer the first year students. And I promise, I'll look after these babies of nitade#43 no less than the other seniors years had done for us.

May be it is true that "Love is what you give without expecting anything in return." I'll try to give that love to the 'nongs', my friends, and my sisters and brothers the best I can.

Thank you na ja everyone.....

Missing Australia's soil

How long has it been since my first step away from Australia's soil?

It's been TOO Long.

I Just miss everything about it.

I miss the laughter of friends, the japanese class, the party life, the boarding life, the sleep over, the atmosphere, the air, the cold whether, the beach, the bay run, the scenary, the accent, the TV shows, the strangers, the culture, and the freedom!!

Everything is just so different here.

I just wanna be able to make decision on my own again. To decide and then do it straight after.

I wanna have my freedom again. Freedom to do anything without being judged, without the gossip and back stabbing, and without the widging and endless complains by my parents.

Freedom to be ME.

Of couse, it shouldn't be that hard to adjust. Other people can live through it. Plus, I was born here and I can speak the language fluently, but hey, I spent all of my teenage life in Australia...and I miss it. A Lot!

Sometimes i wonder how i'd turned out if i chose to go back and stay in Sydney. Would I have been more mature? or who would be my college room mates? What kind of life i would have? and how different would it be 20 years from now?

I can only wonder.......

And I will be fine.

Once we've made a decision and walked further to the path for a while, you can't just turn around and walk the other path. You have to be proud of what you've chose to do, or else, you'd have nothing left. You may wonder, but you shall not dwelling on about it.

Make today your best. Be the best you can be.